Trust. Such a loaded word! It can take years to acquire, yet seconds to destroy. With people, it is such a tangible yet fragile concept. Without trust, you have nothing. How about trust with God? Have you ever felt like you didn’t trust Him? I know that I have. Which, according to the aforementioned theory, doesn’t make much sense. It doesn’t make sense because God has never let me down. God has made me wait for an answered prayer or has guided me in a different direction than the one I had initially started to venture down, but bottom line is: God knows what He is doing. There are several examples of personal experiences that I’ve had with my trust relationship with God. Though most of my experiences are positive and strengthening, there have been some as equally frustrating and downright confusing.
This story that I am about to share strikes me deep. It tested not only my trust with Him, but also the trust I have with myself, my morals, my values and the respect I have for myself. This isn’t a typical story that will change your life in the same way that it changed mine, but all the same, it was at one of my low points in my relationship with myself and even with the Lord, so I hope that you might get something out of it.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression about 3 years ago, but I have struggled with it my whole life. Not too long ago, I was having one of my off days. I was feeling worthless, hopeless, lost, lonely, sad and unfortunate. I was angry with God for punishing me with this illness that completely and wholly envelopes my mind, body and soul. It comes without warning and without mercy. It washes over me like a plague and can take my mood from a completely happy and positive one to a deep, dark and cynical one. It is not uncommon for me to think of suicide or dying in general. It is like there are two different personalities fighting each other until one or the other wins. I become irrational and difficult; pushing everyone I love most far away. Being so angry at this illness that I cannot help, I resented God and refused to trust in Him for solace in easing any of my pain. I refuse medication for several reasons; the most prevalent being that I do not wish to become a vegetable. So, on this particular off day, as the demons were winning their usual battle, I made a change. I prayed, and I prayed hard. I asked for a sign that God still cared about me and that He still loved me. I wanted to be remembered by Him; He who matters most in this world! I wanted to be in His care and in His loving arms, like I once was, before I had let this illness get the best of me. I pleaded with the Lord, and I recall my exact words: “God, I am so ashamed that I have let myself become so trapped in my own affairs that I have failed to seek You for guidance! Lord, please show me the way through all of this so I may come back to You and forever be praising You in the most glorious of ways!” As I sat there in my solitude with my laptop flipped open and tears pouring down my face, I was sent a link to a music video where a church group had a presentation to the song “Everything” by Lifehouse. As I watched the video, I saw myself in the girl’s shoes with her Lord. She was happy when she was guided by Him! She saw the world in a euphoric light! Then she became encompassed by the evils and demons of the world, just as I had been. I saw her struggle as she fought to be with Him again. It was a difficult fight against all of the most powerful evil and sin, but her determination to be with Jesus was relentless – as is mine! When she finally got to be with Him, she was at peace.
Throughout this entire video, I cried my eyes out because it thoroughly documented my present struggles and my desperation to be back with Him. At the end, I felt peace. I felt my trust in God renewed. I went back to church, and have found myself in such a blissful place. I believe in Him! I believe that I would be nothing without Him, nor would I be filled to the brim with gratitude for the most unselfish gift that has ever been given to me. I find myself to be a completely different person than I was on October 27, 2009. I decided that I would fill my life with God and those who had the same love and passion for Him as I would try my absolute best to have.
My trust in God was, well, renewed. However, like I said, it doesn’t make any sense because God has never let me down. I am the one who has let God down. But you know what is so amazing? He has forgiven me! He loves me the way I am and He knows that I would find Him again. God has redirected my path by helping me trust in Him more. I don’t see depression as a punishment anymore; I look at it as an opportunity to trust in Him to get me through it and be thankful for every moment that I am happy.
This story that I am about to share strikes me deep. It tested not only my trust with Him, but also the trust I have with myself, my morals, my values and the respect I have for myself. This isn’t a typical story that will change your life in the same way that it changed mine, but all the same, it was at one of my low points in my relationship with myself and even with the Lord, so I hope that you might get something out of it.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression about 3 years ago, but I have struggled with it my whole life. Not too long ago, I was having one of my off days. I was feeling worthless, hopeless, lost, lonely, sad and unfortunate. I was angry with God for punishing me with this illness that completely and wholly envelopes my mind, body and soul. It comes without warning and without mercy. It washes over me like a plague and can take my mood from a completely happy and positive one to a deep, dark and cynical one. It is not uncommon for me to think of suicide or dying in general. It is like there are two different personalities fighting each other until one or the other wins. I become irrational and difficult; pushing everyone I love most far away. Being so angry at this illness that I cannot help, I resented God and refused to trust in Him for solace in easing any of my pain. I refuse medication for several reasons; the most prevalent being that I do not wish to become a vegetable. So, on this particular off day, as the demons were winning their usual battle, I made a change. I prayed, and I prayed hard. I asked for a sign that God still cared about me and that He still loved me. I wanted to be remembered by Him; He who matters most in this world! I wanted to be in His care and in His loving arms, like I once was, before I had let this illness get the best of me. I pleaded with the Lord, and I recall my exact words: “God, I am so ashamed that I have let myself become so trapped in my own affairs that I have failed to seek You for guidance! Lord, please show me the way through all of this so I may come back to You and forever be praising You in the most glorious of ways!” As I sat there in my solitude with my laptop flipped open and tears pouring down my face, I was sent a link to a music video where a church group had a presentation to the song “Everything” by Lifehouse. As I watched the video, I saw myself in the girl’s shoes with her Lord. She was happy when she was guided by Him! She saw the world in a euphoric light! Then she became encompassed by the evils and demons of the world, just as I had been. I saw her struggle as she fought to be with Him again. It was a difficult fight against all of the most powerful evil and sin, but her determination to be with Jesus was relentless – as is mine! When she finally got to be with Him, she was at peace.
Throughout this entire video, I cried my eyes out because it thoroughly documented my present struggles and my desperation to be back with Him. At the end, I felt peace. I felt my trust in God renewed. I went back to church, and have found myself in such a blissful place. I believe in Him! I believe that I would be nothing without Him, nor would I be filled to the brim with gratitude for the most unselfish gift that has ever been given to me. I find myself to be a completely different person than I was on October 27, 2009. I decided that I would fill my life with God and those who had the same love and passion for Him as I would try my absolute best to have.
My trust in God was, well, renewed. However, like I said, it doesn’t make any sense because God has never let me down. I am the one who has let God down. But you know what is so amazing? He has forgiven me! He loves me the way I am and He knows that I would find Him again. God has redirected my path by helping me trust in Him more. I don’t see depression as a punishment anymore; I look at it as an opportunity to trust in Him to get me through it and be thankful for every moment that I am happy.
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