I am a woman torn…my heart has been broken and shattered in so many ways. I have been rejected by everyone that is left in my life at one point or another. And to top it all off I know that there are missing pieces to my past that the Lord is slowly preparing me to deal with.
Not a day goes by that I don’t hurt or fear what will come of my life, or where I will be in the future. I live in fear of losing more of the people that I love. My heart has become so hard that I am scared it could never return to a sensitive “soft” state.
I have learned to fight. I have learned to defend myself. I hate it, but I feel like I need it to survive. I don’t want to constantly be on the defense. I don’t want to push everything and everyone away. But I don’t know any other way. It’s true, I am self-destructive.
I am so scared that God will reject me. It is a result of the “father wound”. I am also scared that God will just somehow no longer be here…and not just here with me, but in existence; like maybe he will just disappear or “die”. This is a result of the loss of my mother.
My husband once told me that it is like I am covering my ears, closing my eyes, kicking and fighting but at the same time I am screaming for help. He was using it as an illustration that I will not let anyone close enough to get in to help me but at the same time I am begging for it.
I have also realized that I often times find myself looking for Jesus, but I am face down in the dark. Hence, I won’t open my eyes or allow myself to turn on the light (open my heart) to see Him. What kind of sense does that make?I am completely irrational. I am so scared that I will be hurt again, that I will not allow anyone in. This is exactly like my wise friend told me…self-destructive. This is me. How will I ever learn to deal? How will I ever make it through this storm?
If I cannot submit myself to Jesus and lean on Him instead of my own understanding I will never make it out alive. If I cannot believe that my God, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob is an everlasting God, how can I achieve the faith I need to live eternally? How can I know that in the worst of conditions, Emmanuel, God is with us?
The hard truth is…I can’t. I have to conjure up enough faith to stand fast and press on from moment to moment while He works that into my messed up heart and being. I have no control… and that scares me to death. But thankfully for every weak moment I have, God has given me a blessing, and a tiny grasp of faith to hold onto. And in this moment my hope endures.
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